Are we there yet?
This is a great article! My only nitpick is that you should be pointing people to Bitwarden, not LastPass. (LP has been collapsing under it's own weight for nearly a decade, and BW's free plan has more features than the former's paid plan.)
Jay - on claim #3: You have overlooked MPC wallets like ZenGo. On-chain, but no private key to have lost or stolen. Uses 3D liveness biometrics to ensure simply recovery (your face) but can't get hacked.
More info here: https://zengo.com/forget-not-your-keys-not-your-crypto-private-keys-are-a-vulnerability/
"In crypto, on the other hand, you can speculate on shitcoins and make bets in DeFi, and that’s about it."
You didn't even tried doing a bit of research, did you?